fairy dust
by closingdoors
Summary: 'And maybe none of it was planned, but this is more than anything she'd hoped for, dared dream about in her trembling heart that rest between her corrupted lungs.' For Amy. COMPLETE.


**fairy dust**

For my angel princess Amy. People are mean and most of them always will be, but you are (almost) as wonderful as noodles are to me. And you know how much I love noodles.

* * *

I want my daughter to marvel at rainbow gasoline stains on the pavement, at indie rock and old records and glasses filled with white wine. I want her to braid friendship bracelets and wear them on her arms in all the colors like fairy dust. I hope she laughs at the rain and cries at the sun.

But most of all, I hope my daughter is just as brave and brilliant as my own mother taught me to be.  
- daughter, writingsforwinter

* * *

She doesn't freak out as much as she had thought she would do. There's not a single ounce of fright in her body.

But once it comes down to it, sitting in his bathroom holding the white stick with slightly shaking hands, she realises that she's yearned for this for quite some time. It's always been leaking softly into her dreams late at night, or when she sees him with Alexis; the most beautiful, the kindest man she's ever known. It's just taken her a while to admit it to herself, to recognise that yearning, that stirring settling between her lungs when she sees him with Ryan and Jenny's son.

She has thought about children before with his blue eyes and his smile and his capacity to love.

And then. There's a child.

* * *

Castle doesn't suspect a thing. He notices how far more affectionate she is that night, almost bordering on needy. While his mouth is making constellations dust across her skin, she's wondering what it will be like when she's plumper and softer and so much more curvier. A result of their love.

This. This is _theirs. _

If he notices how wet her eyes are, he doesn't say a thing, simply kisses her harder and worships her more than she's ever known, until his name is the only thing she can remember anymore.

* * *

She tells him the next day. After informing him that she's going to collect a book she wants to read on her day off from her apartment. She doesn't go back to her apartment. Instead she buys a baby name book from the store a couple blocks from his loft, takes the long route back while walking, trying not to linger for too long at the nearest park. Content to watch the young children giggling, running around carefree.

In the elevator back to his apartment, she tries to calm her nerves. She's not nervous of his reaction. She knows he'll always be supportive, and she knows that this is something that he's always wanted too, only he's been too reluctant to mention it to her. But she knows. She knows _him, _he's never had to say anything. But she's terrified of getting this wrong. Of blurting out the words too quickly, acting too afraid, of giving him the wrong message. She just wants this to be carefree.

"Hey." He says when she enters his apartment, looking over at her from the kitchen area. "That better be one of my books, I can't have you cheating on me with Patterson again."

She bites her lips as she heads across to him, cradling the book to her chest. "Actually, I think you might like this one."

"Oh yeah? What is it?" He asks curiously, leaning against the counter.

She slides the book across the counter, butterflies swarming in her heart. "I hear we've got about nine months to decide whether we actually like it or not."

Castle's face moves from curious to slack jawed in an instant, his eyes darting between the book and her. She waits patiently, fingers drumming against the counter because she simply can't contain herself. They're going to be _parents. _They're going to have a tiny, squirming baby that's going to depend on them and maybe the dependency makes a sliver of fright sluice down her spine, but she knows it's going to be worth it.

"Kate… What…" Castle stammers, finally settling his gaze on her. "Are you…?"

The butterflies, the excitement, it all spills into her smile when she speaks. "I'm pregnant, Castle."

"I- I… Wow."

He's speechless. He's actually speechless. Richard Castle- Speechless.

"We're gonna have a baby." He finally says, eyes a little wet, and she watches on with her heart constricting lightly in her chest.

She moves around the counter to him, dusts kisses along his jaw. "Yeah, Castle. We're gonna have a baby." She echoes quietly.

His arms wind around her, and she finds herself canting closer to him, until there's not an inch of space left between them. He presses his forehead against hers, everything around them quiet, still. Forgotten. There's just this. Them.

"And you're okay with that?" He asks her nervously, fingers dancing across her spine.

She fumbles to place her hands on his cheeks. "Castle. There's… There's not even words for how okay I am with this."

The corners of his mouth tilt upwards. Precious. Vulnerable. "Yeah?"

She nods, captures his lips with hers for a moment, leaves her words there with her kiss. "This is more than I've dared dream about, Castle."

* * *

They're not going to have a baby.

"Ah! There you are." The woman points to the screen while Castle and Beckett watch on eagerly, staring at the blobs on the monitor. "Two happy, healthy babies. I'd say you're about five weeks along."

Beckett nearly falls from the chair. "Did you just say _two _babies?"

"Yup!" This woman is far too chirpy for Beckett's liking. "You're having twins, Miss Beckett."

"Oh my God." She turns to Castle, whose grip on her hand has slackened. "Oh my God, I am going to _kill _you."

"Me!?" His voice rises several octaves. "What did I do!?"

"You got me pregnant!"

"Uh, I'm pretty sure you weren't complaining at the time."

She pinches the bridge of her nose. "I'm not going to last. I'm going to kill you."

"C'mon, Kate, this is awesome. Just think of potential names. We could go for something funky, like all famous couples do. Salt and Pepper-"

"No. No, Castle, stop right there-"

"Han and Solo- That would be _so _much fun to work with. Nikki and Rook… No, wait, ew, because that's, yeah. Uh, we could go with…"

She drops her head back onto the chair with a groan.

* * *

The first time she sees her baby girls it's like everything is adream world. Everything's manic and calm at the same time. Castle's sweating almost as much as her, pacing wildly as they briefly place her first baby girl on her chest, giving her five second with her newborn before they're pulling her away to clean her up. She's pushing herself up on her elbows to keep her eyes on her daughter- _her daughter- _even as the waves of pain from the contractions for the next baby threaten to knock her out.

"Oh, God, I'm so tired." She complains, yearning for this to all be over, for the next baby to just be out already and for her to able to just hold her children- _their _children.

Eventually, their daughters are born forty minutes apart, and she is absolutely exhausted when the nurses and Castle finally place _both _babies on her chest for her to hold. She tries to support them both with her arms, but she's so tired, and Castle has to lean over to help her.

The babies squirm in her arms, pink and chubby and one wailing, and before she knows what's happening the tears are spilling from her eyes. Suddenly. Like that lightning he had told her about. She's so- She's just-

"Hey." She coos quietly. "Oh_, hi_ babies. Hello."

Their youngest blinks up at her as the other cries, one tiny hand batting in the air, and Castle catches that tiny little fist with his index finger. Watching in awe as his daughter- God, he is _surrounded _by women- simply wriggles her feet at his touch.

She looks up at him in amazement, so full, feeling stars dancing through her veins and all those pretty lights exploding inside her heart.

"Castle. Castle- I…"

They're so beautiful. They're a family. And their family is beautiful, wonderful. Two little girls with his eyes and even if one is wailing, she's happily hushing her and cooing to her, watching the way her daughter stretches her legs out as she cries, likes she's trying to gain leverage. So beautiful and tiny and so _stubborn _already.

"I know." He says in wonder. "I… Wow, Kate."

She lets out a peal of laughter, shuffling the babies in her arms until he's supporting one twin and she the other, and then she's wrapping a hand around his neck and pulling her down to him, painting her love for him with smudges of ink from her lips.

"I love you." She says, blinking up at him and wiping the tears from his eyes. "I love you so much."

* * *

"Castle, I can _hold _her seat, if you would just-"

"Kate, you gave birth _yesterday, _just grab the keys from my pocket and I'll hold both-"

"Look- Here, just-"

"Kate-"

"_Castle._ Just open the damn door."

Castle sighs, eyeing her warily as he reaches into his pocket for the keys to the loft, carefully holding Becca in her car seat in her other hand. The twins are only thirteen hours old, and all Kate wants to do is have them home and just be a family without the interventions of well-meaning Doctors and chatty midwives. But Castle seems to think her incapable of holding Amy's car seat, just because she birth yesterday. Her ridiculous, well-meaning partner. It makes her chest swell, even as the logical and slightly offended part of her mind tries to dampen the flame of love in her heart.

Castle places his hand on the small of her back as she walks through the door, immediately welcomed by the cry of Martha's voice. "Oh! Katherine, you look beautiful, motherhood suits you."

Kate smiles widely. Martha had said the same thing when she'd visited after the twins had been born yesterday. Kate hadn't quite believed it then, sticky and sweaty and so exhausted but full of love- But now. It's all so wonderful and perfect and worth it.

She has the sudden desire to turn to Castle and tell him she loves him again. Tell him over and over until the words lose their meaning. But he's already brushing past her, setting Becca's seat on the kitchen counter and trying to unclasp her from the numerous safety belts on the contraption.

"Thank you, Martha." Kate says, setting Amy's car seat besides Becca's.

"Ah, here are my favourite kiddos." Martha coos, brushing a hand over Becca's fine hair as Castle holds her, before moving over to Amy in her car seat.

"Hey!" Castle and Alexis protest at the same time.

Martha waves a hand at them. "Oh, don't throw a tantrum darlings, you're not the babies here." She dismisses them before turning to Kate. "May I hold her, dear?"

"Of course." Kate agrees, releasing Amy from her car seat and gently passing her to Martha.

Amy stares up at Martha in wonder, little eyes darting about everywhere, limbs flailing. Her older twin sister, Becca, simply lies asleep in Castle's arms, content with the gentle coos of him and Alexis.

Kate smiles as Amy's tiny fist lands in Martha's hair, reaches out to help her gently pry it away, unable to resist stroking a hand through Amy's own fine hair. It's the only plain difference between the twins, their hair colour- Though Kate knows her daughters. She can tell. She knows. But Amy can be identifiable by her hair that's almost as bright as Martha's and Alexis', whilst Becca's is almost as dark as Castle's.

"Oh, she's beautiful, darling. Both of them. Absolutely divine." Martha tells her, gently swaying Amy in her arms.

"Yeah. Yeah, they are." Kate says, eyes wandering over to Castle.

He looks up at the same time, and she doesn't need words, and she doesn't need his touch or his smile or… Anything. She has everything. Right here.

And they know. They both know.

* * *

She wakes slowly, to the feeling of something heavy on her chest. She can't work it out at first, and she tries to shove it away, only to feel hands preventing her and the sound of Castle's laughter filling the silence of the room.

She opens her eyes immediately to find her two baby girls on her chest, Becca snuggling into her while Amy's feet kick against Kate's lower stomach, trying to push herself closer to Kate. Sometimes Kate feels as though Amy is more active than her sister due to being younger. As though she has something to prove, to hold over her older sister. The thought makes her giggle.

"Hey, babies." She murmurs softly, pressing kisses to their hair and catching one of Amy's flying fists before it hits her sister in the face.

"Merry Christmas, Mom." Castle practically squeaks from where he's sat next to her on the bed.

Becca startles awake when Kate explodes with laughter, managing to prevent her daughters from falling from her as her laughter almost sends them tumbling.

"Honestly, Castle, that just sounds creepy more than anything else." She tells him, content to watch her daughters lay on her chest.

Amy tries to roll from Kate and Castle gently catches her, setting her on the bed between them, while Becca blinks lazily a few times and, after a wary glance at her mother, settles back down to sleep.

"She only ever sleeps well when she's in someone's arms." Kate notes, splaying a palm against her daughter's back, tracing lazy circles against the soft fabric of her baby-gro. "We need to stop spoiling her."

"It's Christmas, Kate." Castle pouts. "Let's not pick on our daughter's today."

Kate cups Becca's head as she moves up to sit, frowning at him. "What do you mean pick on them? I never pick on them."

"Oh, sure you do. At three am you have _no _qualms about complaining about them always waking up, how their nappies stink, that it's my fault for getting you pregnant-"

She shoves lightly on his shoulder. "Oh, shut up. You know I don't mean that."

He grins. "Yeah, I know. I was just messing with you."

Becca squirms in her arms, snuffling slightly before she burrows back into Kate, letting out a tiny yawn. Oh. So beautiful. She can't resist running a finger along the small length of her cheek, revelling in the soft skin of her daughter, that same smile tugging on her lips when she notes how everything has simply fallen in to place. And maybe none of it was planned, but this is more than anything she'd hoped for, dared dream about in her trembling heart that rest between her corrupted lungs. Only. Now. Breathing was easier. So much easier.

Amy's fist bumps against Kate's thigh, as though she resents how her sister is gaining more attention than her. Four months old and so attentive already. Kate laughs, scoops a hand under Amy and gently rolls her onto her back, tickling her stomach gently. Amy chuckles- That adorable, heart-melting baby chuckle that Kate never wants to stop hearing.

Amy's hand curls around Kate's index finger when she reaches up to stroke her nose, and then she's gnawing with her gummy little mouth on her finger, watching her mother with rapt attention.

"I'm feeling the favouritism here. You have them both and I don't have any of my favourite girls."

Beckett laughs, kissing him on the tail-end of it, feeling him swallowing the laugh like he can trap it in his own lungs and keep it forever. "It's Christmas, Castle. Let's not pick on our daughters today."

* * *

Christmas with two four-month-old babies proves to be more difficult than it ought to be. She tries to help Castle with cooking dinner- Martha having offered to keep an eye on the girls- but neither of them settle for anyone else but her, so she finds herself having to leave the cooking to Castle regularly every time they kick up a fuss. Whether it be due to Amy's fist colliding with Becca's face, Becca crying because of not getting enough sleep, or simply demanding attention.

"I'm sorry." She tells Castle, wrapping her arms around his waist from behind and settling her head on his shoulder as they both stare down at the overcooked Turkey. "The girls are demanding. I need to stop spoiling-"

"No." Castle interrupts her, turning to her. Dusts a kiss above her eyebrow. "Kate, the food doesn't matter. It's still edible."

"I know, but I promised to help you and-"

"You're a fantastic mother, Kate. Absolutely extraordinary." He tilts her face up to his. "Don't ever apologize for that. Okay?"

It settles low in her stomach, the feeling of absolute happiness. Blooms slowly through her insides, spreading through her veins, flaring in her heart. This man. Her family. What it does to her. She wishes she could explain, but she can't. Tries to express her gratitude for them all with every touch, every kiss, every "I love you." Maybe it's not enough. Maybe it will never feel like it's enough. But maybe that's how this love, this gratitude is supposed to feel.

She nudges his cheek with her nose, lifting up on her toes as her fingers flirt across his shoulders. "Thank you, Castle."

She kisses him before he can protest that there's nothing to thank him for.

When really. There's everything.

* * *

"Mom! Mom!"

The moment she's through the door after work, Amy comes hurtling towards her, latching onto her leg and grinning up at her with a toothy smile.

"Hey, baby." Kate runs a hand through her daughter's hair, tugging lightly on her curls. "How was school today?"

"Mom! I got an A on my report card! Look, Mom, Dad put it on the fridge!" Amy cries, tugging on Kate's hand to pull her over to the fridge.

"_I _got an A too, Mom!" She hears Becca yell from upstairs, the seven year old running down the stairs in socked feet, making Kate's heart leap into her throat when she almost slips over.

"But I got an A on my _last _report too, you didn't!" Amy says, jumping lightly on her toes as she points at her report card. "See, Mom?"

Becca pouts and Kate finds herself stepping between them to prevent any physical violence. It happens more often than she'd expected between the two girls. Petty fists thrown that don't have much power behind them over small issues they both don't really care about. All the same, one of them always ends up crying and the other one in trouble. She'd rather prevent that.

She kisses their hair, ruffles Becca's lightly when the girl continues to pout. "I'm proud of you both. Well done, my princesses."

Amy huffs. "But I did better-"

Kate squeezes her shoulder lightly in warning. "Amy. Don't be petty."

"But Mom-"

She crouches down so she's level with them, drawing them both closer to her with a hand around their waists. They smell like chalk and jam and something so very Castle. It makes her smile.

"Honey, I'm proud of you for doing well in school, just like I'm proud of Becca. But it's a letter on a sheet of paper, and it doesn't make you any better than your sister. Okay?"

Amy purses her lips, staring down at her Mom before looking over at her sister. "Sorry, Beccaw."

Becca shrugs. "It's okay, Aamwi."

They hug it out, Kate watching fondly with a smile. When they break apart, she stands, settling her hands between their shoulder blades.

"It's okay to be proud. Just don't belittle others. Be confident in yourselves, and you'll be fine." She tells them.

Becca eyes her report card on the fridge. "Okay, Mom."

"That's the spirit. I love you both, princesses."

Amy grins up at her mother. "You're my princess, Mom. The prettiest princess of them all!"

It never leaves. The happiness in her heart.

It never leaves.

* * *

She emerges from the shower to hear Castle's high-pitched stress voice echoing through the loft.

"You can't wear that! You can't!"

She almost rolls her eyes at how cliché it is.

Kate throws her some leggings and an old sweatshirt on, emerging into the room to find Castle practically draped across the front door, Amy and Becca standing before him with their arms crossed over their chests.

"Hey, what's going on?"

She'd helped the girls with their hair earlier, having tamed Amy's curls to look more like her own at Amy's own request. Had helped Becca twist her hair up into one of the many intricate buns Kate liked to wear. It had been a wonderful moment, her heart vivid like it had been coloured in with the chalks the girls had played with when they were young, starstruck by how much the girls looked up to her without her even realizing it, without realizing she had been their role model all along.

It had been especially brilliant when Castle had walked in, attempting to ridicule them for spending so much time on their hair, but wound up running out of the room to find the nearest mirror so he could check for grey hair once Becca had mockingly pointed one out.

She'd never expected Castle to react to them like this.

"This!" Castle shrieks, waving his hands at the girls. "They're not going to the party like this!"

Becca rolls her eyes. "You're being ridiculous."

"Castle, honestly, I think you're overreacting." Kate attempts to intervene, eyeing the girls' outfits. Not exactly scandalous.

"Overreacting? No, I'm just- I- You're not going. Go change."

He spreads himself like a starfish across the front door, staring at them with wide eyes. Kate suppresses her giggles as she watches him, especially when Amy and Becca both look to her to fight their corner.

"Maybe you should go change, girls. Just this once." She says. "Amy, you have that dress we bought the other day and Becca, I know there's a bunch of stuff in your closet you've never worn before."

"But Mom-"

"Honestly, girls, I don't think you're going to convince your father on this one." Kate says, glancing back at where Castle's draped across the door. "You're just wasting time arguing."

They both huff, shooting dark looks at their father as they move towards the stairs, heels clicking against the floor.

"Cabrón." Amy mutters as they walk up the stairs.

"Don't insult me in Spanish!" Castle calls after her, pulling out his phone. "You know I'll Google Translate it!"

Kate moves closer to him as he taps away at his phone furiously, brows furrowed. She runs a hand across the tense bow of his spine, presses another against his hip as she settles her head on his shoulder. "Honestly, Castle, you're being a bit ridiculous here."

"They're _seventeen, _Kate. And you know what all seventeen-year-old boys want-"

Kate pinches his sides. "Don't be ridiculous. They're going to their friend's party, not a strip club. Jeez, Castle. They're young women now. They make their own choices."

Castle frowns, reading something on his phone. "Goat? Did she call me a goat?" He murmurs, before pocketing the phone with a sigh. "Yeah, well, I'm gonna protect them as long as I can."

"Protect?" Kate snorts. "Honestly, Castle, this whole ignorant masculine father routine doesn't suit you."

"Ignorant?"

"You wish my father had protected me? Like some sort of caveman? Because I'm pretty sure it's not _just _seventeen-year-old boys that are after sex." She says, tugging on the waistband of his pyjama bottoms.

"I- Don't- Don't confuse me like that, Kate." He groans, a palm splaying against her ribs. "You know that's gross. And unfair."

She nips at the underside of his jaw, warmth pooling in her stomach at his answering groan. "Then don't be ridiculous, Castle."

She hears the click of their daughter's shoes heading down the stairs so she pulls away, smirking slightly when she notices that the girls have swapped their small clutch bags for backpacks. Oh, they don't fool her. She'd done the same thing at her age. Only, she'd had to drop the backpack from her window once her own Mom had begun figuring out what she was doing.

"Much better." Castle says, and she feels the tension drain from him with her palm on his spine. Ridiculous caveman.

"You look beautiful, girls." Kate tells her daughters, reaching out to kiss them both on the cheek.

"Thanks, Mom."

"Back by midnight, yeah?" She may be more lax than Castle about what they wear, but she's a cop. She knows what lurks on the streets, and she'll be damned if she lets any of that poison get near her babies.

Becca rolls her eyes. "Yeah, Mom."

"Don't get too drunk this time, Amy." Kate teases her daughter, nudging her as she walks out of the loft.

"Mom." Amy groans, shooting a look at her Dad before she trails after Becca.

Kate shuts the door behind them, feeling fuzzy around the edges before she turns to Castle. Uh oh. She's in trouble. He's giving her _his _look, one that he rarely uses but one that she dreads seeing. It's usually very hard to talk herself out of whatever situation she's landed herself in. Well. Here goes nothing.

"Is there a problem, Castle?"

"_Don't get too drunk?_ Really, Kate?" Castle says, frowning at her. "You're supposed to be a cop, not encouraging minors to drink."

She rolls her eyes. "As I recall, you used to do it all the time to Alexis."

"That's because I knew she wouldn't _really _do it."

"They're sensible girls, Castle."

Castle sighs, rubbing a hand across his stubble. She's momentarily distracted by the sight. He _knows _how much she loves it when he has stubble, knows what it does to her. Probably grown it out this far just to get her this worked up, too.

Her eyes flicker back to reality. "They're happy, Castle. I know you love them. I know you want to protect them and that what happened with Alexis still haunts you." Kate says softly, reaching forward and wrapping her hands around his wrist, thumb against his veins, the branches of life. "But they're happy, Castle, let them be happy. Don't take that away from them."

Castle sighs. "I know, I know. I don't want to do that. They're just- So much like you. It scares me sometimes."

She steps closer to him. "I'm pretty sure I don't insult you in Spanish, Castle."

His eyes sparkle. "Oh, but when you speak _Russian, _Kate. Oh my God."

And suddenly she knows exactly how to distract him.

* * *

It's not until later, when they're a human pretzel of limbs, sticky skin, bated breath, that Castle speaks of the girls again.

"Kate… Why did they take backpacks with them?"

Kate smirks, throwing a lazy arm across his waist. Cuddling up against this man. This wonderful, beautiful man who has given her everything and ask for nothing in return but her love. And it's so effortless to love him now. Well. It always has been, really.

"Goodnight, Castle." She says, eyes falling closed.

"Kate? What do you know? Kate, what were the backpacks for?" He asks, panicked, but she's already drifting into the soft realm of dreams.

Not that she has many left. They've all been fulfilled.

* * *

**The End**

* * *

**Twitter:** _closingdoors  
**Tumblr:** instanakaticsboobs


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